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As you most likely know, I dream and I dream vividly. I can recall detailed plotlines complete with unforeseeable events and surprise endings. I dream anywhere from the mundane to the downright silly. Every so often a dream comes along that is so real, the only reason why I know it is not is because is does not jive with reality around me. I wakeup from the story and that’s how I know. Other than that, the dream looks and feels real. I react to it as if it really happened and then I wake up.

So now in the morning I am left with a fake memory and real feelings in reaction to the fake memory and sometime’s it’s a downright nuisance. This morning’s dream was one of those dreams…

I dreamt that Daniel and I had a baby. He had just turned 9 months old and I was putting his preciously soft and cute clothes on him. I picked him up and marveled at how big he had gotten. I couldn’t believe it. He felt so heavy, looked so big, etc. It was baffling.

Which is funny because lately I have had friends with babies in real life, not just dream babies, marvel at how big their babies have gotten. And while I get the concept, me from the outside looking in just thinks, “Hrm, they’re growing at a normal progression and look like they should” I have never marveled at how quickly babies grow up.

But my baby.. well, that was just a different story. (I just adore being a mother in my dreams).

I was spending some time with the baby before I had to leave again (sad times). Daniel and I were separated (physically, not relationshipwise) because he was undergoing a training process that would take a few months. It wasn’t as formal as college, but he did have different classes all day long. I am unclear as to what he was doing. I think it had something to do with being a professor or teaching because Melalvai was also in the class with him.

Melalvai also had a baby girl around the same age as our baby boy. It was unclear as to whether this was Nell, her real life daughter (who is now 13), or whether she had a second child. Regardless, I was pleased Daniel would have some company and would be able to be with someone who has a baby around the same age.

I, on the other hand, had to leave. I had to go back home.

Fastforward a few months, I come back to visit Daniel for a few days. He was nearly done with classes, so I was waiting it out until he finished. While he is in class, I have oodles of free time. I find out that Mel has an online journal and I begin to read it. While I was reading, I could see exactly what she was describing as if I was there. She wrote about her classes, about her baby and a good deal about Daniel. The four had slowly bonded over the few months (good) until they were really close. They planned most everything together.
I read one particular entry where it was ‘graduation’ day from their classes. Everyone in the training classes dressed up to have a little ceremony. In order to celebrate, Daniel and Mel planned an outing together. They were going out to the park and then the beach. Mel wrote, “It seemed ridiculous that we had to take two cars even though we only had two children. It was like the four of us wouldn’t fit in one car. Of course we could have, but we joked that we couldn’t because our children had so many accessories with them: diaper bags, blankets, car seats, strollers, etc. that there wouldn’t be room for anyone else!”
It was that point that my heart just sank.. our children? I understand that she meant Daniel’s child and Mel’s child, but the lines seemed to be very blurred. Furthermore, Daniel never told me about graduation, let alone invited me (Mel’s husband, by the way, was there). I went up to talk to Daniel on his break and I explained that I was sad about what was happening between us. I said that we were so far away but he shrugged it off saying, “Of course, we’ve been living apart for a few months” I explained that was not what I had meant. We were distant. We used to be on the same page. We used to be able to talk without really talking because we just got each other. We were more than just on the same page, we were on the same sentence, the same word. We were partners completely insync with each other who had open communication. We told each other even the mundane things. But we’ve grown apart. And yes, that’s bound to happen but now we weren’t on the same page, we weren’t even in the same book anymore. He didn’t tell me about graduation. I wish I could have been there. I wish I could have supported him.. but now we were strangers who happened to be married.

The break ended and so our conversation was cut short. I started to leave when my doctor called me. He told me the bad news that the treatment I was trying was no longer working for me. It showed no results. Mel overheard.
I left in near tears. I kept running into old friends and then quickly dodging them because I didn’t want to see anyone in the mess I was in at the moment. I was driving myself crazy with nothing to do and too much emotion. I decided that I needed my baby. We could play together. Playing with him would give me something to do and make me happy.

I went back in the classroom in the middle of class, walked up to Daniel, and picked up our baby. I also got all of his playthings and walked out.. much to the shock of Daniel. I pretended like everything was normal and played with my baby.. who, by the way, was ecstatic to see me. There is nothing like watching the joy on a child’s face because you are near. Wow.

Anyway, Mel came to sit with me shortly after I left the classroom. She was pretty upset but also sympathetic. She said that I should get a second opinion from another doctor and that just because there were no results doesn’t mean the treatment wasn’t working. She was worried I was going to drop all treatment.
I looked up at her in surprise, “I wasn’t even thinking about that” and she couldn’t understand why I was upset. I was losing the two most precious things in my life .. and I felt like I was losing it to this woman standing in front of me right now. I didn’t care much about my medical health when I didn’t have Daniel or my baby. (This is, by the way, why I couldn’t have the baby or be with Daniel when he was going through his classes. I was sick and needed treatment). I very nearly said, ‘Do you even know who I am at all?’ but I didn’t want to be hurtful to this woman that I liked so much. I softly explained and promised that I would not make a rash decision. I am the sort of person who researches everything. I would weigh my options. I would discuss my treatment with several experts. I would read anything I could get my hands on and make a logical decision based on it. I would not get upset. (Even though I did want to yell at her for not knowing this about me, I reminded myself she was doing this because she cared and I backed off). Mel, satisfied that she fixed the problem, went back into the classroom.
At this point, I had such strong emotions course through my body. It is difficult to describe, exactly, only because the words I have to describe are insufficient. They draw the wrong picture. To say I was strongly jealous was correct, but that implies, to me, that I had burning rage or resentment attached to it; I didn’t. To say that I was sad over losing my loved ones implies a much deeper depression than I mean to conjure up. My emotions were strong, but subtle. I was disappointed at the turn of events. I
didn’t blame anyone. It was the way it goes. All I wanted was Daniel and the baby back. I wanted them as mine again. Not just in theory or in writing, but us as a family. I wanted to be that person Daniel went to. I wanted him to share with me, to tell me, to be in sync with me. I wanted everything back. I was not happy at all with Mel for taking it away from me. I didn’t blame her; she was just there. I was glad that Daniel and Mel had a friendship. I am glad they had each other because they needed it. I just wanted to be that person. (I am nearly crying when I write this)
A few days went by, I believe and I had a lot of free time to read, research, talk to friends and talk to my doctor. It turns out, my doctor had some surprisingly good news for me. I couldn’t wait to tell Daniel but Nika was there instead. I couldn’t explain that I had to talk to Daniel alone so we just chatted until she was gone. The doctor walked by and winked at me, “How’d he take it?” and I sputtered for a second and shook my head to imply I hadn’t told him yet. Nika left and Daniel picked up on this. He asked if I had something to tell him…

I did. So we sat down and talked. I told him.. that I was pregnant! We weren’t excitingly giddy by any means, but we both knew it was good news. I felt so far and so distant from this man sitting across from me, yet here we were with a child on the way. It was strange, but it was good. It was like we realized that we had to work hard to get back together before the baby was born so we could prepare to be a family again. He was happy and I was happy, but we weren’t yet happy together.. but we were taking a step in the right direction.

And that’s my dream.

In writing it out, it sounds mediocre at best. I skipped parts of it because I was focusing on the main story. It may not sound like much, but I was slowly watching my husband and my child fall away from my life and cling to another woman and her baby. Even though they were never techincally romantically involved, the idea that my family was no longer mine was awful. Even still, like I said, I experience more painful, more depressing and more jealous moments in my life than this, but I do not know if I have ever felt anything so deeply.


( 4 comments — Leave a comment )
Dec. 9th, 2008 06:02 pm (UTC)
Oh wow, what a dream! I can't imagine how awful that must have felt to both go through and wake from! I have dreams that move me emotionally, but nothing like that. Geez...
(Deleted comment)
Dec. 19th, 2008 03:06 pm (UTC)
Bah, that was me.
I took so long to post that I logged myself out. ;) Whoops.
Dec. 19th, 2008 03:05 pm (UTC)
I'm like you, Amanda. I dream very vividly, and often my dreams leave me with the same experience you're going through: actual memories, actual emotions rooted in those memories. The dreams like this, that speak to our deeper, most unsettling fears, are especially hard.

I find it interesting that you would dream that Dan has become emotionally distant and academically remote in the dream, and that this is portrayed in your mind as something that could not be helped because you 'had to go home'. This sounds to me like echoes of another relationship you've had, and feelings I remember you sharing about it..
Dec. 19th, 2008 03:08 pm (UTC)
You know, I didn't really draw the connection because in my dream it felt completely different.. but interesting timing on your comment since Ben has just decided to distance himself from me (not becuase of him, but because of someone else). Interesting, indeed
( 4 comments — Leave a comment )


Amanda Kelly

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